Soundtrack: Rent – Without You
Sasha’s POV
Eat. Sleep. Practice. Play. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Practice. Sleep. Eat. Play. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Again and again and again. Nef. I miss her. I want her. I need her. I thought about her every day. I thought about the baby every day.
“I fine.”
“I okay.”
“I just tired.”
“No, not sick.”
I can’t tell you how many games we played, or who we played, or if we won or lost. I couldn’t focus on any of that.
“What’s wrong with him?” I heard guys in the locker room ask.
“He be okay. He just need time,” Ovi said.
“Time for what?”
I was sitting in my stall removing my practice gear when Bruce came up to me. He told me to come to his office.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
The only person on the team that knew Nef was pregnant was Ovi. All the guys knew I was dating her and they all knew that we were in a serious relationship but I kept most of my life private. We hadn't told a lot of people about the baby because we hadn't yet told our families.
These last two weeks had been absolutely brutal. I need her. I need her more than hockey, more than food, more than water. I need her to feel whole. I need her to love me as I love her.
“Nef…she…we were having a baby.”
“Congratulations,” he said not understanding.
I shook my head no. “She fall down the stairs and the baby…it...she. The baby is gone.”
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. Her mom take her to Egypt to be with family, say she need time to get better.” I hadn’t seen or spoken to Nef in weeks.
Bruce asked me if I needed time off. I told him no. It wouldn’t help. I couldn’t go home. I had barely set foot across the threshold since I took her to the hospital. I’d been staying at Ovi’s. My dad had come over a couple of times to drop stuff off but I hadn’t really wanted to talk to him. He didn’t say anything. He just sat there with me. The only person I wanted to talk to was the one person I couldn’t find.
After practice I had the rest of the day off and I was afraid. Being alone with nothing but my own thoughts was nearly unbearable, so Ovi sat with me for a little while. When he left Uncle Misha came in. When he left my dad came. He sat with me for the rest of the night. I tried to sleep but every time I did I had nightmares. When I closed my eyes I saw Nef lying on the floor at the base of the stairs with blood streaming from between her legs. I tried to run to her, I tried to reach her but I had to swim through a river of blood. It was so far. She was so far away.
Nef’s POV
When I landed at BWI instead of going home or to my apartment I went to Ovi’s place. It was late but I needed to see him. When I didn’t get an answer from knocking on the door I called Ovi.
“Come open the door!”
“You here?”
“Yes, come open the door.”
I could hear him running down the steps and through the foyer to get to the door. He yanked me inside and hugged me tight enough that I thought my ribs might break.
“Where is he?”
“The guest room closest to my room.”
When I entered the room Valeri was sitting by Sasha’s bed watching over his son. His face was tired and haggard. He’d always had such bright eyes but they were dim now, the eyes of a man that hasn’t had a reason to smile. He stood and pulled me into a hug.
”I’m sorry” he said.
”It’s okay. We’ll be okay.”
He left the room and I crawled into bed beside Sasha. Even in his sleep he looked sad and tired. I’d missed him so much.
“Sasha,” I said placing a kiss on his forehead, “wake up.”
I don’t know what reaction I expected to get from him but it wasn’t the one I’d gotten. His eyes opened and he looked around as if he was searching for something.
“Nef? Where are you?”
“I’m here.”
“Nef, I can’t find you.”
I pulled him into my arms and held him as close to me as I could.
“I’m right here. Sasha, I’m right here.”
I felt his arms snake around me at the realization that I was here, that I was in bed beside him. His lips found mine and I clutched him tighter. The kiss was bruising, hard, passionate and held every emotion we'd both felt over the past several weeks. I felt him start to shake with the force of holding back his tears. I couldn’t stop my own. We’d both cried so much in the past few weeks, cried for ourselves, cried for each other, cried for the baby that was no longer here with us.
“I sorry. I so sorry,” he murmured.
“Shhh, I know. Don’t worry about that now. Just rest. You look like you haven’t slept in a while.”
He had a death grip on me. He held me so tightly that it felt like chains anchoring us together and I’d never felt anything so wonderful.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Chapter 74 – Sand
Soundtrack: Josh Groban – Lullaby
Nef’s POV
I was lying on a bed. My mother and my grandmother were with me. I guess after the first few days of screaming and crying my mom decided that I needed to leave D.C. She told me that I wasn’t going to get better there. I was herded in to the car, carried onto the plane, and carried into my Uncle Ali’s home. He and my Aunt Hassa were still in Germany. My phone rang again. I’d stopped looking at who was calling. I’d stopped listening to the messages. The I’m sorrys, the we’re so sorry you had to go through this, the it’s going to be okays. Just stop. No more. Leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone.
”Jeddah?” I called to my grandmother. She was sitting at my bedside. She’d been there since I landed in Egypt.
”Yes, sweetheart?”
”Does it ever stop hurting?”
”No, but you’ll get better at dealing with it.”
I closed my eyes and turned to face the wall. My mother came in with a tray of food but I wasn’t hungry. I never was. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby. He…She…it had been too early to tell if it was a boy or a girl…haunted my every waking thought. I would never hold my baby. I would never comfort my baby or quiet its cries. I would never nurse my child or sing it to sleep.
Sleep didn’t offer me a respite. I kept dreaming of a curly hair boy with Sasha’s bright brown eyes running from me. I tried so hard to catch him, to hold him, to keep him safe, but no matter how hard I tried I could never run fast enough to catch him.
The next time I woke up my mother and my grandmother were sitting on the bed on either side of me. I don’t know how long I’d been asleep. It was strange because they were both wearing veils over their heads. They never did that. I’ve never seen my mother or my grandmother wear a head scarf. They each held a small handkerchief filled with sand in their hands.
”Nefertiti, we both love you beyond measure.”
They took turns sprinkling the sand around me, over my head, and on my stomach.
There’s an old Egyptian myth that when a woman is sick if her female relatives go alone into the desert and bring back sand it will have healing powers. The sand will heal the sick woman, making her whole, making her stronger.
I don’t know how long I lay there or how long they sat with me but after a while I felt like I needed to get up. I felt like I needed to get out of bed. I sat up.
”Ommy? I’m thirsty; can you get me a glass of water, please?”
I grabbed my phone and turned it on. It had been ringing so much that my Jeddah had turned it off. I had more than 100 missed calls most of them were from Sasha.
Sasha. Thinking of him made my heart hurt. I missed him. The promise ring he’d given me was still on my finger. I never took it off. I never considered taking it off. The thought of never being with him again caused me physical pain. I didn’t want that. I wanted him. I needed him like I need the air that I breathe.
I started to go through the voicemails that I hadn’t checked. I deleted most of them without listen to them. I listened to the last one that Sasha had left.
“Nef, I go to your apartment but you not there. I go to your house and Adjo tell me that you left. He say you need time but I need you. I not lose you too. I can’t. Please Nef. Please come back. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I hadn’t told him that I was leaving. In fact I hadn’t spoken to him since the hospital. There was a message from Ovi. It came a few days after the last one from Sasha.
”Nef, Sasha told me what happened. He’s here with me. I know you need time to get better but he needs you. He’s hurting because you guys lost the baby, he can’t lose you too. I’m really worried about you. I’m really worried about him. Call me, please.”
I didn’t even look at the clock to see what time it was. I called Ovi. He was groggy when he answered the phone. He must have been sleeping.
”Hello?”
”Nef! Hold on, I’ll get Sasha.”
”No! Don’t do that. I can’t. I shouldn’t have called you”
I went to hang up the phone but I heard Ovi say ”Nef. Don’t go. Just listen please. He needs you so much right now. He’s not doing well at all.”
”Where is he?”
”He’s in one of my guest rooms. He’s been here ever since he came back from the hospital.”
That was almost two weeks ago. He hadn’t been home in almost two weeks.
”Is she still there?” I didn't have to say a name for Ovi to know who I was talking about.
”Don’t know. He won’t go home and he won’t talk to his mother. His dad has been here a couple of times to drop things off, clothes, shoes, stuff like that but he won’t talk to anybody. He won’t say a word. If we’re not on the ice or he’s not talking to our coaches he won’t say anything. The only time I hear from him is when he’s screaming in his sleep.”
Sasha has never dealt with pain well. He can’t handle emotional stress and pain. His dad had told me about the nightmares he used to have as a child when his grandmother died. Vivid dreams that left him terrified to sleep. His grandmother had died peacefully in her sleep, but it had left him with a fear that he would fall asleep and never wake up. It left him with the fear that every time his parents went to sleep there was a chance that he would lose them. It took years for Sasha to come to terms with it.
I needed to go back home. I needed to talk to him. If he and I weren’t going to be together we each needed to come to terms with what had happened and what we were going to do about it. I love him. That much I am sure.
Nef’s POV
I was lying on a bed. My mother and my grandmother were with me. I guess after the first few days of screaming and crying my mom decided that I needed to leave D.C. She told me that I wasn’t going to get better there. I was herded in to the car, carried onto the plane, and carried into my Uncle Ali’s home. He and my Aunt Hassa were still in Germany. My phone rang again. I’d stopped looking at who was calling. I’d stopped listening to the messages. The I’m sorrys, the we’re so sorry you had to go through this, the it’s going to be okays. Just stop. No more. Leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone.
”Jeddah?” I called to my grandmother. She was sitting at my bedside. She’d been there since I landed in Egypt.
”Yes, sweetheart?”
”Does it ever stop hurting?”
”No, but you’ll get better at dealing with it.”
I closed my eyes and turned to face the wall. My mother came in with a tray of food but I wasn’t hungry. I never was. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby. He…She…it had been too early to tell if it was a boy or a girl…haunted my every waking thought. I would never hold my baby. I would never comfort my baby or quiet its cries. I would never nurse my child or sing it to sleep.
Sleep didn’t offer me a respite. I kept dreaming of a curly hair boy with Sasha’s bright brown eyes running from me. I tried so hard to catch him, to hold him, to keep him safe, but no matter how hard I tried I could never run fast enough to catch him.
The next time I woke up my mother and my grandmother were sitting on the bed on either side of me. I don’t know how long I’d been asleep. It was strange because they were both wearing veils over their heads. They never did that. I’ve never seen my mother or my grandmother wear a head scarf. They each held a small handkerchief filled with sand in their hands.
”Nefertiti, we both love you beyond measure.”
They took turns sprinkling the sand around me, over my head, and on my stomach.
There’s an old Egyptian myth that when a woman is sick if her female relatives go alone into the desert and bring back sand it will have healing powers. The sand will heal the sick woman, making her whole, making her stronger.
I don’t know how long I lay there or how long they sat with me but after a while I felt like I needed to get up. I felt like I needed to get out of bed. I sat up.
”Ommy? I’m thirsty; can you get me a glass of water, please?”
I grabbed my phone and turned it on. It had been ringing so much that my Jeddah had turned it off. I had more than 100 missed calls most of them were from Sasha.
Sasha. Thinking of him made my heart hurt. I missed him. The promise ring he’d given me was still on my finger. I never took it off. I never considered taking it off. The thought of never being with him again caused me physical pain. I didn’t want that. I wanted him. I needed him like I need the air that I breathe.
I started to go through the voicemails that I hadn’t checked. I deleted most of them without listen to them. I listened to the last one that Sasha had left.
“Nef, I go to your apartment but you not there. I go to your house and Adjo tell me that you left. He say you need time but I need you. I not lose you too. I can’t. Please Nef. Please come back. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I hadn’t told him that I was leaving. In fact I hadn’t spoken to him since the hospital. There was a message from Ovi. It came a few days after the last one from Sasha.
”Nef, Sasha told me what happened. He’s here with me. I know you need time to get better but he needs you. He’s hurting because you guys lost the baby, he can’t lose you too. I’m really worried about you. I’m really worried about him. Call me, please.”
I didn’t even look at the clock to see what time it was. I called Ovi. He was groggy when he answered the phone. He must have been sleeping.
”Hello?”
”Nef! Hold on, I’ll get Sasha.”
”No! Don’t do that. I can’t. I shouldn’t have called you”
I went to hang up the phone but I heard Ovi say ”Nef. Don’t go. Just listen please. He needs you so much right now. He’s not doing well at all.”
”Where is he?”
”He’s in one of my guest rooms. He’s been here ever since he came back from the hospital.”
That was almost two weeks ago. He hadn’t been home in almost two weeks.
”Is she still there?” I didn't have to say a name for Ovi to know who I was talking about.
”Don’t know. He won’t go home and he won’t talk to his mother. His dad has been here a couple of times to drop things off, clothes, shoes, stuff like that but he won’t talk to anybody. He won’t say a word. If we’re not on the ice or he’s not talking to our coaches he won’t say anything. The only time I hear from him is when he’s screaming in his sleep.”
Sasha has never dealt with pain well. He can’t handle emotional stress and pain. His dad had told me about the nightmares he used to have as a child when his grandmother died. Vivid dreams that left him terrified to sleep. His grandmother had died peacefully in her sleep, but it had left him with a fear that he would fall asleep and never wake up. It left him with the fear that every time his parents went to sleep there was a chance that he would lose them. It took years for Sasha to come to terms with it.
I needed to go back home. I needed to talk to him. If he and I weren’t going to be together we each needed to come to terms with what had happened and what we were going to do about it. I love him. That much I am sure.
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