Soundtrack: Rent – Without You
Sasha’s POV
Eat. Sleep. Practice. Play. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Practice. Sleep. Eat. Play. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Again and again and again. Nef. I miss her. I want her. I need her. I thought about her every day. I thought about the baby every day.
“I fine.”
“I okay.”
“I just tired.”
“No, not sick.”
I can’t tell you how many games we played, or who we played, or if we won or lost. I couldn’t focus on any of that.
“What’s wrong with him?” I heard guys in the locker room ask.
“He be okay. He just need time,” Ovi said.
“Time for what?”
I was sitting in my stall removing my practice gear when Bruce came up to me. He told me to come to his office.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
The only person on the team that knew Nef was pregnant was Ovi. All the guys knew I was dating her and they all knew that we were in a serious relationship but I kept most of my life private. We hadn't told a lot of people about the baby because we hadn't yet told our families.
These last two weeks had been absolutely brutal. I need her. I need her more than hockey, more than food, more than water. I need her to feel whole. I need her to love me as I love her.
“Nef…she…we were having a baby.”
“Congratulations,” he said not understanding.
I shook my head no. “She fall down the stairs and the baby…it...she. The baby is gone.”
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. Her mom take her to Egypt to be with family, say she need time to get better.” I hadn’t seen or spoken to Nef in weeks.
Bruce asked me if I needed time off. I told him no. It wouldn’t help. I couldn’t go home. I had barely set foot across the threshold since I took her to the hospital. I’d been staying at Ovi’s. My dad had come over a couple of times to drop stuff off but I hadn’t really wanted to talk to him. He didn’t say anything. He just sat there with me. The only person I wanted to talk to was the one person I couldn’t find.
After practice I had the rest of the day off and I was afraid. Being alone with nothing but my own thoughts was nearly unbearable, so Ovi sat with me for a little while. When he left Uncle Misha came in. When he left my dad came. He sat with me for the rest of the night. I tried to sleep but every time I did I had nightmares. When I closed my eyes I saw Nef lying on the floor at the base of the stairs with blood streaming from between her legs. I tried to run to her, I tried to reach her but I had to swim through a river of blood. It was so far. She was so far away.
Nef’s POV
When I landed at BWI instead of going home or to my apartment I went to Ovi’s place. It was late but I needed to see him. When I didn’t get an answer from knocking on the door I called Ovi.
“Come open the door!”
“You here?”
“Yes, come open the door.”
I could hear him running down the steps and through the foyer to get to the door. He yanked me inside and hugged me tight enough that I thought my ribs might break.
“Where is he?”
“The guest room closest to my room.”
When I entered the room Valeri was sitting by Sasha’s bed watching over his son. His face was tired and haggard. He’d always had such bright eyes but they were dim now, the eyes of a man that hasn’t had a reason to smile. He stood and pulled me into a hug.
”I’m sorry” he said.
”It’s okay. We’ll be okay.”
He left the room and I crawled into bed beside Sasha. Even in his sleep he looked sad and tired. I’d missed him so much.
“Sasha,” I said placing a kiss on his forehead, “wake up.”
I don’t know what reaction I expected to get from him but it wasn’t the one I’d gotten. His eyes opened and he looked around as if he was searching for something.
“Nef? Where are you?”
“I’m here.”
“Nef, I can’t find you.”
I pulled him into my arms and held him as close to me as I could.
“I’m right here. Sasha, I’m right here.”
I felt his arms snake around me at the realization that I was here, that I was in bed beside him. His lips found mine and I clutched him tighter. The kiss was bruising, hard, passionate and held every emotion we'd both felt over the past several weeks. I felt him start to shake with the force of holding back his tears. I couldn’t stop my own. We’d both cried so much in the past few weeks, cried for ourselves, cried for each other, cried for the baby that was no longer here with us.
“I sorry. I so sorry,” he murmured.
“Shhh, I know. Don’t worry about that now. Just rest. You look like you haven’t slept in a while.”
He had a death grip on me. He held me so tightly that it felt like chains anchoring us together and I’d never felt anything so wonderful.
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