Chapter 76 – Without you

Soundtrack: Kris Allen – I Need to Know


Sasha’s POV


When I woke up I turned to find cold sheets beside me. It had been a dream. Nef. It seemed so real. She was here. She told me it would be okay. She told me that she wouldn’t leave me. It had been a dream and when I had woken up I was alone.

Very few things in my life have been this painful. I’ve never been able to deal with stress or heartbreak and I was beginning to crack. I just want Nef back. I buried my face in the pillow beside me. I could smell her scent and it just made me miss her all the more. I’m not going to cry. I’ve done so much of that lately.
I felt someone sit on my bed and I turned to face the wall. I really didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. Just please go away.

“Come on, Kitten. If you don’t get up you’ll be late to the morning skate. You play the Rangers today.”

Nef? No, it couldn’t be. I turned over and she was there sitting on the bed beside me.

“Nef!” My arms went around her and I pulled her down on the bed with me. “You here? You’re really here!”

”Yes, I’m here.”

We stayed like that for a little while, wrapped in each others arms. I told her how sorry I was. I told her that this was my fault. She wouldn’t hear any of it though.

“Don’t worry about that right now. I love you, Sasha and I’m sorry I had to leave.”

She tried to usher me out of bed. If I didn’t leave soon I would be late to the morning skate. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to call Bruce. He’d offered me time off yesterday.

“Hi Bruce? I not come to morning skate. I need time – Nef is here. Ovi tell you already? Okay. Yes, I be there for the game.”

There was no way I could leave Nef now. I wouldn’t be playing anyway. I’d been out for the past couple of weeks with a groin injury.

”Now we have time. I don’t have to be at Verizon Center until closer to 5.”

Ovi popped in to let me know that he had called Bruce this morning. I told him that I just spoke with Bruce and I thanked him for speaking for me.

”You two need to focus on this right now. Don’t worry about hockey, Sasha. I’ll take care of the team.”

We lay on the bed in silence for a while. We just lay there, our bodies flush together. I knew we needed to talk but I just needed to be with her for a little while. I just needed to know that she was still mine.

”Tell me what happened.” she said.

”I don’t know. That morning I came downstairs and my dad was in the kitchen. He told me that my mom had left early to run errands. I thought that she was going to the grocery store to get things for dinner but when she came back she had Nadiya with her. I didn’t know that she was coming; I swear. I hadn’t spoken to Nadiya in months. I told her and Nadiya that she couldn’t stay. I told them that she had to leave but that’s when you came over.” I exhaled deeply knowing what else I had to tell her.

”As far as me sleeping with Nadiya, I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember much from that night. I remember being at the bar, I remember drinking a lot, and I remember Nadiya showing up. After that the only thing I remember is waking up with her in my bed. I was naked,” I felt Nef stiffen in my arms. ”but Nadiya was fully clothed. I don’t know if I took my clothes off or if she took my clothes off. I can’t tell you anymore than that.”

”Why didn’t you tell me?”

”Because I didn’t remember enough to tell you. Nef, I was completely blackout drunk. I didn’t think I had sex with her because she was clothed and because I had absolutely no desire to sleep with her. None. I never did. I don't want her. I’m so unbelievably sorry. I should have told you but after we spoke on the phone I couldn’t come back and say “well actually I may or may not have slept with Nadiya. I was too drunk to remember. I could ask her but do you really think she would tell the truth?””


Nef’s POV


I managed to grab a few hours of sleep before I was up again. When I woke up Valeri was there sitting beside the bed. I managed to wiggle out from under Sasha without disturbing him and Valeri and I went to the kitchen to talk. Ovi was already there.

”When did you get back?” Valeri asked.

”Last night. I came here straight from the airport.”

”Are you back for good?” he asked.

”I think so. There are some things that Sasha and I need to work out but I love him. That hasn’t changed.”

”It’s been difficult without you. He hasn’t been good.”

”I know. I wasn’t doing so well either. I should get back upstairs before he wakes up. He’ll have to leave for the morning skate soon and I want to talk to him first. We’ll be okay.”Valeri pulled me into a hug. He’d always been nice to me but this was the first time he’d shown me physical affection.

When I went back upstairs Sasha was already awake. He had his face buried in the pillow that I’d been sleeping on. When I sat down on the bed he turned to face away from me.

“Come on, Kitten. If you don’t get up you’ll be late to the morning skate. You play the Rangers today.”

He turned to face me. “Nef!” His arms went around me and he pulled me down onto the bed with him. “You here? ”You’re really here!””

”Yes, I’m here.”

I tried to get him out of bed so that we would have time to talk before the morning skate. He called Bruce to ask for the morning off but Ovi had already talked to him. Bruce told Sasha to take as much time as he needed. I could only assume that at some point he had to have told the coaching staff what had happened.

“Yes, I be there for the game.” He said into the phone.

He didn’t have to report to Verizon Center until closer to 5 pm. I listened to him explain everything, from why Nadiya was there, to him being blackout drunk, to him not knowing if he slept with her. I believed him. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to blame everything on him but I couldn’t. I couldn’t blame him anymore than I could blame myself. I had already played the “what if” game. I’d spent two weeks doing that. What if I had come to his place 15 minutes late instead of 15 minutes earlier? What if I had left instead of allowing Sasha to take me upstairs? What if we had told his parents as soon as they came to the States? What if we’d told them over the phone as soon as we found out I was pregnant? What if this? What if that?

It hadn’t helped. There wasn’t anything we could do to change what had happened. We had to move forward and I didn’t want to go forward without him.

”Please tell me that I haven’t lost you. I don’t think I could stand – No, I know I couldn’t stand to lose you.”

”You haven’t lost me.”