AN: Yay the caps won tonight!! I apologize again for not updating as frequently as before. My new job doesn't really give me the freedom during the day to work on this story so it takes a little longer to get chapters finished.
Nef’s POV
The first day of my last semester of classes was a lot like any other day; classes, syllabus, reading, homework, assignments, the usual. I had finished my morning classes and I was in the Student Union having lunch when my phone rang. It was Sasha’s home number. That’s weird, I thought. He shouldn’t be back from practice just yet and he hardly ever called me from his home number.
“Hello,” I said into the phone.
”Nefertiti, it's Tatiana.” I never expected that.
I didn’t want to talk to this woman. I didn’t want anything to do with her.
”Do you have a few minutes to talk?” she asked.
”I don’t really have anything to say to you.”
”I can understand that but I wanted to talk to you about Sasha. Things have been really hard the past few weeks.” Really? No shit, Sherlock.
”You called me for a reason. What do you want from me? I don’t have time for small talk.”
”I was hoping that we could get to know each other. Sasha has made it clear that he loves you and that you two want to be together.”
”I can’t say that I’m ready to do that. I’ve been kind, and patient, and understanding, and respectful of you since I met you last year and you’ve been none of that to me. I don’t know you and I can’t say that I want to know you right now. The past few weeks have been so unbelievably painful and I blame you. Probably more than I should but I do. Until I’m no longer angry I don’t want to see or speak to you for fear of saying something that would hurt Sasha. I don’t want to hurt him any more than he’s already been hurt.” I hung up the phone.
I wasn’t ready to make peace with her. I knew I might regret this one day. She is after all the mother of the man I love. But this past year has been difficult and these past few weeks have been more than I can take. I didn’t know how we were supposed to exist peacefully in each other’s lives. I knew that we needed to find a way so that Sasha wouldn’t suffer. He is so very close to his parents. I’m just not sure if I can mentally and emotionally handle it. Every time I thought of this woman I thought of how I tried so hard to get her to accept me, to be okay with Sasha and I being together. Every time I thought of her I thought of the baby that I’d lost.
I don’t think she meant for anything bad to happen to me. I don’t think she’s that cold or callous but that didn’t make the outcome any better. It was her actions that brought about the situation. No, she wasn’t responsible for our behavior but she was directly responsible for creating the situation.
My phone rang again. This time it was Sasha. He’d just come off the ice.
“Did you call me so you wouldn’t have to talk to reporters?”
”No, I would never do something like that.” Yeah, right. Sasha’s solution to avoiding reporters was to pretend he was on the phone or to call me so that he would actually be on the phone. It’s such a simple trick but it works.
“Liar.”
”Can you be ready at 6 instead of 7 tonight? There somewhere I want to take you.”
”Where?”
”Don’t worry, just be ready at 6.”
Sasha’s POV
After dinner at the Source I took Nef out to Kettler to skate. I had managed to talk one of the custodians into letting us use one of the two rinks for a private skate in the evening. I knew that Nef knew how to skate but we’d never had the time to do it. She kept her skates in the back of her closet and I grabbed a pair of black spandex shorts for her to wear under her dress.
”Come skate with me?” I asked as I stepped out onto the ice.
She was actually really good at it. We chased each other around the ice playing tag. I was faster than her but she was incredibly agile. There were several times I reached out to grab her only to bring in a handful of air as she slipped through my fingers.
“Get back here!” I shouted at her as she danced across the ice.
“Catch me if you can!”
When I did finally catch her I lifted her into my arms and spun her around. She hated that. She hated when I picked her up because it most likely meant I was going to throw her somewhere; in a pool, in a lake, on the bed, on the couch. She was always afraid I would unintentionally drop her.
“Put me down!”
“No. I catch you and now I get to keep you.”
I sat her down on the wall and leaned in to kiss her. She turned her lips away from mine.
“Not turn away.”
I grabbed her sides and made like I was going to tickle her and she flinched. She plastered her lips against mine in a searing kiss. The past few weeks had been so heavy and heart breaking it was nice to be able to relax and be carefree for a little while.
Our next game wasn’t until February 1st , after the AllStars, so I was using these few days to spend as much time with Nef as I could. At first I had been disappointed that I had missed the AllStars yet again, but now I was more than happen to have the time to get my life back in order.
My phone rang so I slipped over to grab it. It was my mother.
”Yes, ma’am?”
”I’m just calling to see if you’ll be home tonight.”
”I don’t know. I’ll probably go home with Nef.” There wasn’t actually much "I don’t know in" it. I was going home with Nef.
”We need to finish our conversation from earlier today.”
”I know and we will when I’m ready. I’m trying to get my life with Nef back on track, mom. ”
I knew that I’d been pulling away from her recently. I hadn’t been home in about three weeks and she was trying to make peace. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go home or that I was afraid to go home. I just wanted to be with Nef. I didn’t want to be away from her anymore than I had to be. She wasn’t ready to go back to my house. She wasn’t ready to face my mom. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable
”What can I do to make this right?” my mom asked.
The truth was I didn’t know. I know my mom had called Nef earlier today. I knew because my dad had told me. I guessed that it didn’t go well and that Nef wanted nothing to do with her just yet. I know that Nef’s not cruel and didn’t say anything to intentionally upset my mom but I also knew that Nef ran away from things that were painful. I’ve seen it so many times in our relationship. When she’s reached her breaking point rather than breakdown or scream or argue or fight she simply walks away from whatever was causing her pain. She came back more often than not but only when she was able to mentally and emotionally do so. It was one of the reasons why I found arguing with her so aggravating. She would quite literally walked away from me in the middle of an argument. I wasn’t going to push her to do this for me or for my mother. I wasn’t going to force her to push her feelings aside.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Chapter 78 – The way we were
AN: In honor of the Cardiac Caps (as I like to call them when they play games like they did tonight!)and Sasha with the shoot-out winning goal, here's the next chapter!
Nef’s POV
While Sasha was in Atlanta I bought books for the semester but also made a last minute appointment to see my doctor. I hadn’t gone for a follow up appointment after I was discharged from the hospital and I wanted to choose another birth control pill. I didn’t want to risk going through this again until I was ready. My doctor gave me a clean bill of health, a new pill, and the suggestion to not have sex for another couple of weeks.
I also took time to talk to my dad. My mom had been with me in Egypt and she had been right beside me as I got better but my father for the most part had been in the dark. I knew that he wasn’t happy about the situation but he would never want something this terrible to happen to me. He told me of how Sasha reacted when he found out I was gone. He told me of how he thought of me and hoped that I would be strong enough to get through this.
“We sheltered you so much as a child that I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to handle this. I was afraid that you and Alex wouldn’t work out and you’d be left to raise a child alone. Your mother and I would never leave you but raising a child as a single parent is a hardship that I don’t want for you or any of my children. I’m sorry you had to go through this but you’ve shown me that you’re stronger than I give you credit for.”
During the two days that Sasha was gone I had time to think about us. I thought about how we were supposed to get back to where we were. How we were supposed to move on from this. I don’t think that either one of us would ever get over losing a child. I don’t think a parent can, no matter how far along they were or how long the child had been here. It sucks on every level imaginable. This experience had given me insight into the knowledge that I wanted to have children with Sasha. I wanted to marry him and grow old with him.
Every time he crawled in bed beside me, every time he pulled me into his arms, every time he kissed me I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When he came home from Atlanta it was late. He crawled into the bed beside me but instead of lying down he placed a box on my forehead.
“What are you doing?” I asked, half asleep. It was nearly 3 am and I had my first day of classes the next day.
“Is present for you.”
I sat up with the box falling to my lap. He opened it for me. It was a necklace with two pendants. Turning on the bedside lamp I saw that he had given me a pendant of Saint Jude and the second one I didn’t know.
”It’s Matrona Dmitrievna Nikonova, the Blessed Elder.”
On the back of each pendant was an inscription. The first read: The Blessed Matrona said: “Everyone, everyone who will come to me: tell me, as if I were alive, of your sorrows, and I will see you, and hear you, and help you.” The second one read: “Saint Jude, Hope of the Hopeless, Pray for me”
It was perfect.
”I know there is still along way to go for us to get back to the way we were but I love you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes for us to get there .”
He fastened the necklace around my neck before turning off the bedside lamp and snuggling in beside me. I woke up to kisses on my face the next morning. When my eyes fluttered open the kisses moved to my neck. It’s not an unpleasant way to wake up. In fact, it was a really good way to wake up.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
The kisses moved down to my stomach and it wasn’t long before he pushed my shirt up. Glancing at the bedside clock there were still a few hours before he had to go to practice and I had to go to class. When his hand slipped into my shorts I had to push him away. He looked hurt but he said nothing.
“It’s not that I don’t want to but the doctor told me not to for another couple of weeks and I just started a new pill.”
“You go to doctor while I was gone?”
“Yes, a follow up from the hospital.”
Sasha’s POV
It hurt when Nef pushed me away. I wanted her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and how much I’d missed her. I knew that it would be nearly impossible for us to jump right back into our relationship the way it was before but I hadn’t considered her not wanting to be intimate with me.
“It’s not that I don’t want to but the doctor told me not to for another couple of weeks and I just started a new pill.”
“You go to doctor while I was gone?”
“Yes, a follow up from the hospital.”
I hadn’t given a thought to the possibility that she wasn’t physically able to have sex. She told me about her doctor’s appointment. Everything had checked out but her doctor wanted to see how she reacted to this new pill. It was good to know that she’d suffered no ill physical effects from this.
I lay down on top of her with her legs wrapped around my waist. Her hands went to my hair and she played with the loose strains.
“You need a haircut. You’re starting to look like Bon Jovi.”
I couldn't help but laugh, I’d heard that before. We lingered in bed for a while before we had to get up. Practice was always later the morning after a game.
“You want to go out for dinner?” I asked her as we walked to our cars.
“Yes, can we go to the Source?”
That was the place we’d gone to the night we confessed our feelings for each other.
“Yes. I pick you up at 7.”
Instead of going straight to practice I went to Ovi’s house before going home. I hadn’t been to my house in almost three weeks. It was harder than it should have been going into the door that led from the garage to the kitchen. My parents were there, sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. It’s their routine.
”Good morning,” I said as I drug my laundry into the laundry room. I hung my suits on the rack for the clothes meant for dry cleaning.
”Good morning, Sashka.” my parents greeted me.
There’s no real way to start an awkward conversation. My parents and I kind of sat at the table for a few minutes staring at each other. I honestly had no idea of how to start this conversation. There were things that needed to be said. I should have been angry or mad or sad or whatever but I wasn’t. I was still just mostly thankful that Nef and I were back together. We’d decided that she would go back on the pill, that we would always use condoms, that she would move in with me after graduation, and that we would try to have a child when we were ready. I had already decided that I ask her to marry me one day and she’d finally come to grips with the fact that she loved me and would marry me one day. I wasn’t giving her any other option.
”Nef is back and we’ve worked through some things,” I said mostly speaking to my mother as my father was there when Nef came back to the States. ”We’ve decided that we’re staying together whether or not I’m traded or I sign somewhere else. I don’t know how much she’ll want to be around here. She told me this place doesn’t feel safe to her anymore. We’re not going to try for another baby until we’re ready.”
”Sashka I -” my mother began. ”I’m sorry. I had no idea that she was pregnant. I didn’t know that Nadiya would –“
”Mom, you knew Nef and I’s feelings toward Nadiya. You should have never brought her here without talking to me. At every turn you do something to jeopardize my relationship with Nefertiti, pushing Nadiya on me, going against my decisions when I’ve made them so painfully clear. I can’t trust you anymore. ”
”I – ”
”No, I don’t want to hear it. There’s nothing you can say to make this better. I lost my child and nearly lost the woman I love. I’m sorries can’t make this better.”
I wasn’t angry. At least I hadn’t been when I came home. I really just wanted my mom to stay out of my relationship. I guess it’s my fault though. My parents have always been so intertwined in my life, both personal and professional. It was hard for my mother to take a less active role in managing me.
I had to leave. I didn’t want to be late for practice. Being late meant being punished and I really didn’t want to have to skate sprints after practice. I knew that I would have to finish this conversation when I came home but for now it was enough to let them know where we stood.
AN: Part 2 - Sorry for the lack of updates. I have chapters written I swear!! I wrapped up a graduate class and started a new job (all within a few weeks....poor planning on my part) so I haven't had much time for editing. Hopefully things are settling down and I'll be able to update with more frequency.
Nef’s POV
While Sasha was in Atlanta I bought books for the semester but also made a last minute appointment to see my doctor. I hadn’t gone for a follow up appointment after I was discharged from the hospital and I wanted to choose another birth control pill. I didn’t want to risk going through this again until I was ready. My doctor gave me a clean bill of health, a new pill, and the suggestion to not have sex for another couple of weeks.
I also took time to talk to my dad. My mom had been with me in Egypt and she had been right beside me as I got better but my father for the most part had been in the dark. I knew that he wasn’t happy about the situation but he would never want something this terrible to happen to me. He told me of how Sasha reacted when he found out I was gone. He told me of how he thought of me and hoped that I would be strong enough to get through this.
“We sheltered you so much as a child that I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to handle this. I was afraid that you and Alex wouldn’t work out and you’d be left to raise a child alone. Your mother and I would never leave you but raising a child as a single parent is a hardship that I don’t want for you or any of my children. I’m sorry you had to go through this but you’ve shown me that you’re stronger than I give you credit for.”
During the two days that Sasha was gone I had time to think about us. I thought about how we were supposed to get back to where we were. How we were supposed to move on from this. I don’t think that either one of us would ever get over losing a child. I don’t think a parent can, no matter how far along they were or how long the child had been here. It sucks on every level imaginable. This experience had given me insight into the knowledge that I wanted to have children with Sasha. I wanted to marry him and grow old with him.
Every time he crawled in bed beside me, every time he pulled me into his arms, every time he kissed me I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When he came home from Atlanta it was late. He crawled into the bed beside me but instead of lying down he placed a box on my forehead.
“What are you doing?” I asked, half asleep. It was nearly 3 am and I had my first day of classes the next day.
“Is present for you.”
I sat up with the box falling to my lap. He opened it for me. It was a necklace with two pendants. Turning on the bedside lamp I saw that he had given me a pendant of Saint Jude and the second one I didn’t know.
”It’s Matrona Dmitrievna Nikonova, the Blessed Elder.”
On the back of each pendant was an inscription. The first read: The Blessed Matrona said: “Everyone, everyone who will come to me: tell me, as if I were alive, of your sorrows, and I will see you, and hear you, and help you.” The second one read: “Saint Jude, Hope of the Hopeless, Pray for me”
It was perfect.
”I know there is still along way to go for us to get back to the way we were but I love you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes for us to get there .”
He fastened the necklace around my neck before turning off the bedside lamp and snuggling in beside me. I woke up to kisses on my face the next morning. When my eyes fluttered open the kisses moved to my neck. It’s not an unpleasant way to wake up. In fact, it was a really good way to wake up.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
The kisses moved down to my stomach and it wasn’t long before he pushed my shirt up. Glancing at the bedside clock there were still a few hours before he had to go to practice and I had to go to class. When his hand slipped into my shorts I had to push him away. He looked hurt but he said nothing.
“It’s not that I don’t want to but the doctor told me not to for another couple of weeks and I just started a new pill.”
“You go to doctor while I was gone?”
“Yes, a follow up from the hospital.”
Sasha’s POV
It hurt when Nef pushed me away. I wanted her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and how much I’d missed her. I knew that it would be nearly impossible for us to jump right back into our relationship the way it was before but I hadn’t considered her not wanting to be intimate with me.
“It’s not that I don’t want to but the doctor told me not to for another couple of weeks and I just started a new pill.”
“You go to doctor while I was gone?”
“Yes, a follow up from the hospital.”
I hadn’t given a thought to the possibility that she wasn’t physically able to have sex. She told me about her doctor’s appointment. Everything had checked out but her doctor wanted to see how she reacted to this new pill. It was good to know that she’d suffered no ill physical effects from this.
I lay down on top of her with her legs wrapped around my waist. Her hands went to my hair and she played with the loose strains.
“You need a haircut. You’re starting to look like Bon Jovi.”
I couldn't help but laugh, I’d heard that before. We lingered in bed for a while before we had to get up. Practice was always later the morning after a game.
“You want to go out for dinner?” I asked her as we walked to our cars.
“Yes, can we go to the Source?”
That was the place we’d gone to the night we confessed our feelings for each other.
“Yes. I pick you up at 7.”
Instead of going straight to practice I went to Ovi’s house before going home. I hadn’t been to my house in almost three weeks. It was harder than it should have been going into the door that led from the garage to the kitchen. My parents were there, sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. It’s their routine.
”Good morning,” I said as I drug my laundry into the laundry room. I hung my suits on the rack for the clothes meant for dry cleaning.
”Good morning, Sashka.” my parents greeted me.
There’s no real way to start an awkward conversation. My parents and I kind of sat at the table for a few minutes staring at each other. I honestly had no idea of how to start this conversation. There were things that needed to be said. I should have been angry or mad or sad or whatever but I wasn’t. I was still just mostly thankful that Nef and I were back together. We’d decided that she would go back on the pill, that we would always use condoms, that she would move in with me after graduation, and that we would try to have a child when we were ready. I had already decided that I ask her to marry me one day and she’d finally come to grips with the fact that she loved me and would marry me one day. I wasn’t giving her any other option.
”Nef is back and we’ve worked through some things,” I said mostly speaking to my mother as my father was there when Nef came back to the States. ”We’ve decided that we’re staying together whether or not I’m traded or I sign somewhere else. I don’t know how much she’ll want to be around here. She told me this place doesn’t feel safe to her anymore. We’re not going to try for another baby until we’re ready.”
”Sashka I -” my mother began. ”I’m sorry. I had no idea that she was pregnant. I didn’t know that Nadiya would –“
”Mom, you knew Nef and I’s feelings toward Nadiya. You should have never brought her here without talking to me. At every turn you do something to jeopardize my relationship with Nefertiti, pushing Nadiya on me, going against my decisions when I’ve made them so painfully clear. I can’t trust you anymore. ”
”I – ”
”No, I don’t want to hear it. There’s nothing you can say to make this better. I lost my child and nearly lost the woman I love. I’m sorries can’t make this better.”
I wasn’t angry. At least I hadn’t been when I came home. I really just wanted my mom to stay out of my relationship. I guess it’s my fault though. My parents have always been so intertwined in my life, both personal and professional. It was hard for my mother to take a less active role in managing me.
I had to leave. I didn’t want to be late for practice. Being late meant being punished and I really didn’t want to have to skate sprints after practice. I knew that I would have to finish this conversation when I came home but for now it was enough to let them know where we stood.
AN: Part 2 - Sorry for the lack of updates. I have chapters written I swear!! I wrapped up a graduate class and started a new job (all within a few weeks....poor planning on my part) so I haven't had much time for editing. Hopefully things are settling down and I'll be able to update with more frequency.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Chapter 77 – Better
Nef’s POV
I’d only been gone for two weeks but it felt like a lifetime. I rode with Sasha to the Rangers game. He hardly wanted to let me out of his sight. Jackie and Jesse were there and we went to the Green Turtle for dinner before the game. My roommates and I were like sisters. I told them everything. All they knew was that I’d fallen, lost the baby, and that I wouldn’t be back to our apartment for a little while.
“Don’t ever scare us like that again!” Jesse yelled at me.
“I’m sorry. I just needed to get away.”
“Sasha came looking for you. He…it was hard when you weren’t there. He called us everyday asking if you had come home yet.”
“I know. He called me every day. I just – I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.”
“But you’re ready now?” Jackie asked.
“I love him and I need him.” It had come down to being as simple as that.
For tonight's game Sasha would be in the owner’s box. He’d told me that he’d been injured a little while ago and hadn’t actually been playing.
Jesse and Jackie caught me up on the games and how the guys had been playing. Sasha couldn’t. He didn’t really remember that part of the last two weeks. It had been a tough time.
“Eww, you two are sickening,” Jesse said. She’d been reading over my shoulder the text messages that Sasha had been sending me. I'd be sitting in the Owner's box with him for the game.
Jackie told me that Sasha and I acted like an old married couple.
The guys ended up losing in the shootout. It seemed to mimic the season thus far. It had been a difficult one.
After the game Sasha told Ovi and his dad that he would be going back to my apartment. They had a mid-morning flight out for the next away game against the Thrashers and we wanted to be together until then. We fell into our routine. I helped him out of his suit and I grabbed a quick shower before pulling on a pair of his sweats and one of his training camp T-shirt – all of which were still at my place. We crawled into my bed together. The sheets were fresh and the room had been cleaned. My mother had been here.
We didn’t talk much. We’d said everything that needed to be said this morning. Sasha however did tell me that no matter what his contract situation looked like he still wanted me to move in with him after graduation.
Sasha’s POV
After the Rangers game we went back to Nef’s apartment. I still couldn’t stand the thought of going back into my house. I wasn’t ready for that just yet. Nef had made it back to DC in time enough to start her semester this week. Her mom had told her internship that she needed to take a leave of absence for medical reasons.
”Are you going to be okay to start school? ” I asked her when we crawled into bed.
”Uh-huh. It’ll be a good distraction.”
I interlaced our hands bringing the Egyptian rings we wore together. Nef looked down at our hands and smiled. We fell asleep like that, neither of us straying too far from the others arms. When it came time for me to leave I didn’t want to go. I really wanted to bring her to Atlanta with me but I knew she had to stay and get things in order with school and work. After practice I went by Ovi’s to grab a clean suit and my travel bag. He hadn’t left yet so we went together in my car.
”How are things with you and Nef?”
”Better. We talked a lot yesterday morning. It’s hard but we’re getting better.”
Ovi is my best friend. He’s been there with me through some challenging times since we both came to D.C. I couldn’t put price on how much I value his friendship and how much he’s done for me. I’m positive that if he hadn’t been there these last two weeks I’m not sure how I would have gotten through them.
I called Nef as soon as I landed in Atlanta. She was at the campus bookstore picking up her books for the semester before going out to dinner and a movie with her roommates. Her first class was Thursday. I wanted to stay and talk to her on the phone but Ovi told her some of the guys were going out for dinner and she insisted that I go.
“Call me before you go to bed,” she said. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Ovi, Mike, Nick, Varly, Neuvy, Brooks, Eric, and I went out to a steakhouse not too far from the hotel.
“So Sash, how have you been holding up?” Brooks asked.
“Better now. Nef is back and we dealing with it. Umm,” I hadn’t actually told the guys that Nef was pregnant and I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell them or how much she wanted to tell them. She was friends with more than a few of them.
“She…we were having a baby but…what is word for losing the baby?”
“A miscarriage?” Eric asked.
“Da, we were having a baby but Nef fall down the stairs at my house and we lose the baby.”
“I’m sorry,” they said.
“Is okay. We dealing with it. She had to go away to get better but she’s back now.”
There were a few questions about it but all in all the guys were understanding and supportive. They all liked Nef. Only Eric really understood what we were going through, he had been married for almost three years.
I should have been happy to be traveling with the team again. I’d been injured and unable to play. I was well enough to participate fully in practice and might play in Atlanta but I wanted to be home with Nef. Being unable to travel meant that while the team was away on road trips I have nothing but time and only my thoughts for company. The trainers wouldn’t let me train or practice as hard as I wanted to because of the risk of messing up my groin more than it already was. It had been miserable and I wanted it to end. But now, the sooner this trip is done the sooner I can get back to Nef.
I’d only been gone for two weeks but it felt like a lifetime. I rode with Sasha to the Rangers game. He hardly wanted to let me out of his sight. Jackie and Jesse were there and we went to the Green Turtle for dinner before the game. My roommates and I were like sisters. I told them everything. All they knew was that I’d fallen, lost the baby, and that I wouldn’t be back to our apartment for a little while.
“Don’t ever scare us like that again!” Jesse yelled at me.
“I’m sorry. I just needed to get away.”
“Sasha came looking for you. He…it was hard when you weren’t there. He called us everyday asking if you had come home yet.”
“I know. He called me every day. I just – I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.”
“But you’re ready now?” Jackie asked.
“I love him and I need him.” It had come down to being as simple as that.
For tonight's game Sasha would be in the owner’s box. He’d told me that he’d been injured a little while ago and hadn’t actually been playing.
Jesse and Jackie caught me up on the games and how the guys had been playing. Sasha couldn’t. He didn’t really remember that part of the last two weeks. It had been a tough time.
“Eww, you two are sickening,” Jesse said. She’d been reading over my shoulder the text messages that Sasha had been sending me. I'd be sitting in the Owner's box with him for the game.
Jackie told me that Sasha and I acted like an old married couple.
The guys ended up losing in the shootout. It seemed to mimic the season thus far. It had been a difficult one.
After the game Sasha told Ovi and his dad that he would be going back to my apartment. They had a mid-morning flight out for the next away game against the Thrashers and we wanted to be together until then. We fell into our routine. I helped him out of his suit and I grabbed a quick shower before pulling on a pair of his sweats and one of his training camp T-shirt – all of which were still at my place. We crawled into my bed together. The sheets were fresh and the room had been cleaned. My mother had been here.
We didn’t talk much. We’d said everything that needed to be said this morning. Sasha however did tell me that no matter what his contract situation looked like he still wanted me to move in with him after graduation.
Sasha’s POV
After the Rangers game we went back to Nef’s apartment. I still couldn’t stand the thought of going back into my house. I wasn’t ready for that just yet. Nef had made it back to DC in time enough to start her semester this week. Her mom had told her internship that she needed to take a leave of absence for medical reasons.
”Are you going to be okay to start school? ” I asked her when we crawled into bed.
”Uh-huh. It’ll be a good distraction.”
I interlaced our hands bringing the Egyptian rings we wore together. Nef looked down at our hands and smiled. We fell asleep like that, neither of us straying too far from the others arms. When it came time for me to leave I didn’t want to go. I really wanted to bring her to Atlanta with me but I knew she had to stay and get things in order with school and work. After practice I went by Ovi’s to grab a clean suit and my travel bag. He hadn’t left yet so we went together in my car.
”How are things with you and Nef?”
”Better. We talked a lot yesterday morning. It’s hard but we’re getting better.”
Ovi is my best friend. He’s been there with me through some challenging times since we both came to D.C. I couldn’t put price on how much I value his friendship and how much he’s done for me. I’m positive that if he hadn’t been there these last two weeks I’m not sure how I would have gotten through them.
I called Nef as soon as I landed in Atlanta. She was at the campus bookstore picking up her books for the semester before going out to dinner and a movie with her roommates. Her first class was Thursday. I wanted to stay and talk to her on the phone but Ovi told her some of the guys were going out for dinner and she insisted that I go.
“Call me before you go to bed,” she said. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Ovi, Mike, Nick, Varly, Neuvy, Brooks, Eric, and I went out to a steakhouse not too far from the hotel.
“So Sash, how have you been holding up?” Brooks asked.
“Better now. Nef is back and we dealing with it. Umm,” I hadn’t actually told the guys that Nef was pregnant and I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell them or how much she wanted to tell them. She was friends with more than a few of them.
“She…we were having a baby but…what is word for losing the baby?”
“A miscarriage?” Eric asked.
“Da, we were having a baby but Nef fall down the stairs at my house and we lose the baby.”
“I’m sorry,” they said.
“Is okay. We dealing with it. She had to go away to get better but she’s back now.”
There were a few questions about it but all in all the guys were understanding and supportive. They all liked Nef. Only Eric really understood what we were going through, he had been married for almost three years.
I should have been happy to be traveling with the team again. I’d been injured and unable to play. I was well enough to participate fully in practice and might play in Atlanta but I wanted to be home with Nef. Being unable to travel meant that while the team was away on road trips I have nothing but time and only my thoughts for company. The trainers wouldn’t let me train or practice as hard as I wanted to because of the risk of messing up my groin more than it already was. It had been miserable and I wanted it to end. But now, the sooner this trip is done the sooner I can get back to Nef.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Chapter 76 – Without you
Soundtrack: Kris Allen – I Need to Know
Sasha’s POV
When I woke up I turned to find cold sheets beside me. It had been a dream. Nef. It seemed so real. She was here. She told me it would be okay. She told me that she wouldn’t leave me. It had been a dream and when I had woken up I was alone.
Very few things in my life have been this painful. I’ve never been able to deal with stress or heartbreak and I was beginning to crack. I just want Nef back. I buried my face in the pillow beside me. I could smell her scent and it just made me miss her all the more. I’m not going to cry. I’ve done so much of that lately.
I felt someone sit on my bed and I turned to face the wall. I really didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. Just please go away.
“Come on, Kitten. If you don’t get up you’ll be late to the morning skate. You play the Rangers today.”
Nef? No, it couldn’t be. I turned over and she was there sitting on the bed beside me.
“Nef!” My arms went around her and I pulled her down on the bed with me. “You here? You’re really here!”
”Yes, I’m here.”
We stayed like that for a little while, wrapped in each others arms. I told her how sorry I was. I told her that this was my fault. She wouldn’t hear any of it though.
“Don’t worry about that right now. I love you, Sasha and I’m sorry I had to leave.”
She tried to usher me out of bed. If I didn’t leave soon I would be late to the morning skate. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to call Bruce. He’d offered me time off yesterday.
“Hi Bruce? I not come to morning skate. I need time – Nef is here. Ovi tell you already? Okay. Yes, I be there for the game.”
There was no way I could leave Nef now. I wouldn’t be playing anyway. I’d been out for the past couple of weeks with a groin injury.
”Now we have time. I don’t have to be at Verizon Center until closer to 5.”
Ovi popped in to let me know that he had called Bruce this morning. I told him that I just spoke with Bruce and I thanked him for speaking for me.
”You two need to focus on this right now. Don’t worry about hockey, Sasha. I’ll take care of the team.”
We lay on the bed in silence for a while. We just lay there, our bodies flush together. I knew we needed to talk but I just needed to be with her for a little while. I just needed to know that she was still mine.
”Tell me what happened.” she said.
”I don’t know. That morning I came downstairs and my dad was in the kitchen. He told me that my mom had left early to run errands. I thought that she was going to the grocery store to get things for dinner but when she came back she had Nadiya with her. I didn’t know that she was coming; I swear. I hadn’t spoken to Nadiya in months. I told her and Nadiya that she couldn’t stay. I told them that she had to leave but that’s when you came over.” I exhaled deeply knowing what else I had to tell her.
”As far as me sleeping with Nadiya, I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember much from that night. I remember being at the bar, I remember drinking a lot, and I remember Nadiya showing up. After that the only thing I remember is waking up with her in my bed. I was naked,” I felt Nef stiffen in my arms. ”but Nadiya was fully clothed. I don’t know if I took my clothes off or if she took my clothes off. I can’t tell you anymore than that.”
”Why didn’t you tell me?”
”Because I didn’t remember enough to tell you. Nef, I was completely blackout drunk. I didn’t think I had sex with her because she was clothed and because I had absolutely no desire to sleep with her. None. I never did. I don't want her. I’m so unbelievably sorry. I should have told you but after we spoke on the phone I couldn’t come back and say “well actually I may or may not have slept with Nadiya. I was too drunk to remember. I could ask her but do you really think she would tell the truth?””
Nef’s POV
I managed to grab a few hours of sleep before I was up again. When I woke up Valeri was there sitting beside the bed. I managed to wiggle out from under Sasha without disturbing him and Valeri and I went to the kitchen to talk. Ovi was already there.
”When did you get back?” Valeri asked.
”Last night. I came here straight from the airport.”
”Are you back for good?” he asked.
”I think so. There are some things that Sasha and I need to work out but I love him. That hasn’t changed.”
”It’s been difficult without you. He hasn’t been good.”
”I know. I wasn’t doing so well either. I should get back upstairs before he wakes up. He’ll have to leave for the morning skate soon and I want to talk to him first. We’ll be okay.”Valeri pulled me into a hug. He’d always been nice to me but this was the first time he’d shown me physical affection.
When I went back upstairs Sasha was already awake. He had his face buried in the pillow that I’d been sleeping on. When I sat down on the bed he turned to face away from me.
“Come on, Kitten. If you don’t get up you’ll be late to the morning skate. You play the Rangers today.”
He turned to face me. “Nef!” His arms went around me and he pulled me down onto the bed with him. “You here? ”You’re really here!””
”Yes, I’m here.”
I tried to get him out of bed so that we would have time to talk before the morning skate. He called Bruce to ask for the morning off but Ovi had already talked to him. Bruce told Sasha to take as much time as he needed. I could only assume that at some point he had to have told the coaching staff what had happened.
“Yes, I be there for the game.” He said into the phone.
He didn’t have to report to Verizon Center until closer to 5 pm. I listened to him explain everything, from why Nadiya was there, to him being blackout drunk, to him not knowing if he slept with her. I believed him. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to blame everything on him but I couldn’t. I couldn’t blame him anymore than I could blame myself. I had already played the “what if” game. I’d spent two weeks doing that. What if I had come to his place 15 minutes late instead of 15 minutes earlier? What if I had left instead of allowing Sasha to take me upstairs? What if we had told his parents as soon as they came to the States? What if we’d told them over the phone as soon as we found out I was pregnant? What if this? What if that?
It hadn’t helped. There wasn’t anything we could do to change what had happened. We had to move forward and I didn’t want to go forward without him.
”Please tell me that I haven’t lost you. I don’t think I could stand – No, I know I couldn’t stand to lose you.”
”You haven’t lost me.”
Sasha’s POV
When I woke up I turned to find cold sheets beside me. It had been a dream. Nef. It seemed so real. She was here. She told me it would be okay. She told me that she wouldn’t leave me. It had been a dream and when I had woken up I was alone.
Very few things in my life have been this painful. I’ve never been able to deal with stress or heartbreak and I was beginning to crack. I just want Nef back. I buried my face in the pillow beside me. I could smell her scent and it just made me miss her all the more. I’m not going to cry. I’ve done so much of that lately.
I felt someone sit on my bed and I turned to face the wall. I really didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. Just please go away.
“Come on, Kitten. If you don’t get up you’ll be late to the morning skate. You play the Rangers today.”
Nef? No, it couldn’t be. I turned over and she was there sitting on the bed beside me.
“Nef!” My arms went around her and I pulled her down on the bed with me. “You here? You’re really here!”
”Yes, I’m here.”
We stayed like that for a little while, wrapped in each others arms. I told her how sorry I was. I told her that this was my fault. She wouldn’t hear any of it though.
“Don’t worry about that right now. I love you, Sasha and I’m sorry I had to leave.”
She tried to usher me out of bed. If I didn’t leave soon I would be late to the morning skate. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to call Bruce. He’d offered me time off yesterday.
“Hi Bruce? I not come to morning skate. I need time – Nef is here. Ovi tell you already? Okay. Yes, I be there for the game.”
There was no way I could leave Nef now. I wouldn’t be playing anyway. I’d been out for the past couple of weeks with a groin injury.
”Now we have time. I don’t have to be at Verizon Center until closer to 5.”
Ovi popped in to let me know that he had called Bruce this morning. I told him that I just spoke with Bruce and I thanked him for speaking for me.
”You two need to focus on this right now. Don’t worry about hockey, Sasha. I’ll take care of the team.”
We lay on the bed in silence for a while. We just lay there, our bodies flush together. I knew we needed to talk but I just needed to be with her for a little while. I just needed to know that she was still mine.
”Tell me what happened.” she said.
”I don’t know. That morning I came downstairs and my dad was in the kitchen. He told me that my mom had left early to run errands. I thought that she was going to the grocery store to get things for dinner but when she came back she had Nadiya with her. I didn’t know that she was coming; I swear. I hadn’t spoken to Nadiya in months. I told her and Nadiya that she couldn’t stay. I told them that she had to leave but that’s when you came over.” I exhaled deeply knowing what else I had to tell her.
”As far as me sleeping with Nadiya, I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember much from that night. I remember being at the bar, I remember drinking a lot, and I remember Nadiya showing up. After that the only thing I remember is waking up with her in my bed. I was naked,” I felt Nef stiffen in my arms. ”but Nadiya was fully clothed. I don’t know if I took my clothes off or if she took my clothes off. I can’t tell you anymore than that.”
”Why didn’t you tell me?”
”Because I didn’t remember enough to tell you. Nef, I was completely blackout drunk. I didn’t think I had sex with her because she was clothed and because I had absolutely no desire to sleep with her. None. I never did. I don't want her. I’m so unbelievably sorry. I should have told you but after we spoke on the phone I couldn’t come back and say “well actually I may or may not have slept with Nadiya. I was too drunk to remember. I could ask her but do you really think she would tell the truth?””
Nef’s POV
I managed to grab a few hours of sleep before I was up again. When I woke up Valeri was there sitting beside the bed. I managed to wiggle out from under Sasha without disturbing him and Valeri and I went to the kitchen to talk. Ovi was already there.
”When did you get back?” Valeri asked.
”Last night. I came here straight from the airport.”
”Are you back for good?” he asked.
”I think so. There are some things that Sasha and I need to work out but I love him. That hasn’t changed.”
”It’s been difficult without you. He hasn’t been good.”
”I know. I wasn’t doing so well either. I should get back upstairs before he wakes up. He’ll have to leave for the morning skate soon and I want to talk to him first. We’ll be okay.”Valeri pulled me into a hug. He’d always been nice to me but this was the first time he’d shown me physical affection.
When I went back upstairs Sasha was already awake. He had his face buried in the pillow that I’d been sleeping on. When I sat down on the bed he turned to face away from me.
“Come on, Kitten. If you don’t get up you’ll be late to the morning skate. You play the Rangers today.”
He turned to face me. “Nef!” His arms went around me and he pulled me down onto the bed with him. “You here? ”You’re really here!””
”Yes, I’m here.”
I tried to get him out of bed so that we would have time to talk before the morning skate. He called Bruce to ask for the morning off but Ovi had already talked to him. Bruce told Sasha to take as much time as he needed. I could only assume that at some point he had to have told the coaching staff what had happened.
“Yes, I be there for the game.” He said into the phone.
He didn’t have to report to Verizon Center until closer to 5 pm. I listened to him explain everything, from why Nadiya was there, to him being blackout drunk, to him not knowing if he slept with her. I believed him. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to blame everything on him but I couldn’t. I couldn’t blame him anymore than I could blame myself. I had already played the “what if” game. I’d spent two weeks doing that. What if I had come to his place 15 minutes late instead of 15 minutes earlier? What if I had left instead of allowing Sasha to take me upstairs? What if we had told his parents as soon as they came to the States? What if we’d told them over the phone as soon as we found out I was pregnant? What if this? What if that?
It hadn’t helped. There wasn’t anything we could do to change what had happened. We had to move forward and I didn’t want to go forward without him.
”Please tell me that I haven’t lost you. I don’t think I could stand – No, I know I couldn’t stand to lose you.”
”You haven’t lost me.”
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