Chapter 74 – Sand

Soundtrack: Josh Groban – Lullaby


Nef’s POV


I was lying on a bed. My mother and my grandmother were with me. I guess after the first few days of screaming and crying my mom decided that I needed to leave D.C. She told me that I wasn’t going to get better there. I was herded in to the car, carried onto the plane, and carried into my Uncle Ali’s home. He and my Aunt Hassa were still in Germany. My phone rang again. I’d stopped looking at who was calling. I’d stopped listening to the messages. The I’m sorrys, the we’re so sorry you had to go through this, the it’s going to be okays. Just stop. No more. Leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone.

”Jeddah?” I called to my grandmother. She was sitting at my bedside. She’d been there since I landed in Egypt.

”Yes, sweetheart?”

”Does it ever stop hurting?”

”No, but you’ll get better at dealing with it.”

I closed my eyes and turned to face the wall. My mother came in with a tray of food but I wasn’t hungry. I never was. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby. He…She…it had been too early to tell if it was a boy or a girl…haunted my every waking thought. I would never hold my baby. I would never comfort my baby or quiet its cries. I would never nurse my child or sing it to sleep.

Sleep didn’t offer me a respite. I kept dreaming of a curly hair boy with Sasha’s bright brown eyes running from me. I tried so hard to catch him, to hold him, to keep him safe, but no matter how hard I tried I could never run fast enough to catch him.

The next time I woke up my mother and my grandmother were sitting on the bed on either side of me. I don’t know how long I’d been asleep. It was strange because they were both wearing veils over their heads. They never did that. I’ve never seen my mother or my grandmother wear a head scarf. They each held a small handkerchief filled with sand in their hands.

”Nefertiti, we both love you beyond measure.”

They took turns sprinkling the sand around me, over my head, and on my stomach.

There’s an old Egyptian myth that when a woman is sick if her female relatives go alone into the desert and bring back sand it will have healing powers. The sand will heal the sick woman, making her whole, making her stronger.

I don’t know how long I lay there or how long they sat with me but after a while I felt like I needed to get up. I felt like I needed to get out of bed. I sat up.

”Ommy? I’m thirsty; can you get me a glass of water, please?”

I grabbed my phone and turned it on. It had been ringing so much that my Jeddah had turned it off. I had more than 100 missed calls most of them were from Sasha.

Sasha. Thinking of him made my heart hurt. I missed him. The promise ring he’d given me was still on my finger. I never took it off. I never considered taking it off. The thought of never being with him again caused me physical pain. I didn’t want that. I wanted him. I needed him like I need the air that I breathe.

I started to go through the voicemails that I hadn’t checked. I deleted most of them without listen to them. I listened to the last one that Sasha had left.

“Nef, I go to your apartment but you not there. I go to your house and Adjo tell me that you left. He say you need time but I need you. I not lose you too. I can’t. Please Nef. Please come back. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I hadn’t told him that I was leaving. In fact I hadn’t spoken to him since the hospital. There was a message from Ovi. It came a few days after the last one from Sasha.

”Nef, Sasha told me what happened. He’s here with me. I know you need time to get better but he needs you. He’s hurting because you guys lost the baby, he can’t lose you too. I’m really worried about you. I’m really worried about him. Call me, please.”

I didn’t even look at the clock to see what time it was. I called Ovi. He was groggy when he answered the phone. He must have been sleeping.

”Hello?”

”Nef! Hold on, I’ll get Sasha.”

”No! Don’t do that. I can’t. I shouldn’t have called you”

I went to hang up the phone but I heard Ovi say ”Nef. Don’t go. Just listen please. He needs you so much right now. He’s not doing well at all.”

”Where is he?”

”He’s in one of my guest rooms. He’s been here ever since he came back from the hospital.”

That was almost two weeks ago. He hadn’t been home in almost two weeks.

”Is she still there?” I didn't have to say a name for Ovi to know who I was talking about.

”Don’t know. He won’t go home and he won’t talk to his mother. His dad has been here a couple of times to drop things off, clothes, shoes, stuff like that but he won’t talk to anybody. He won’t say a word. If we’re not on the ice or he’s not talking to our coaches he won’t say anything. The only time I hear from him is when he’s screaming in his sleep.”

Sasha has never dealt with pain well. He can’t handle emotional stress and pain. His dad had told me about the nightmares he used to have as a child when his grandmother died. Vivid dreams that left him terrified to sleep. His grandmother had died peacefully in her sleep, but it had left him with a fear that he would fall asleep and never wake up. It left him with the fear that every time his parents went to sleep there was a chance that he would lose them. It took years for Sasha to come to terms with it.

I needed to go back home. I needed to talk to him. If he and I weren’t going to be together we each needed to come to terms with what had happened and what we were going to do about it. I love him. That much I am sure.